Having been both a cancer patient and a cancer caregiver in
2017, I believe I am in the rather unique position to help people figure out
how they can REALLY help a friend, co-worker, or family member who is coping
with this insidious disease.
First, it is normal not to know what to say. Having gone through this three times now, even
I don’t know what to say when I find out someone else is dealing with
cancer. But I can tell you that it’s
important to say SOMETHING, even if it’s just that you don’t know what to say
but you’re thinking of them. And you don’t
have to do it in person. Send a text, an
email, or a card. It’s important for
cancer patients and caregivers to know that there are people thinking of them.
Try not to say, “If there’s anything you need, please ask.” Although your heart is in the right place, and
it is likely that you WOULD do anything they ask, this statement switches the
burden from you to the person who is struggling. Most of us will politely thank you and not
request anything because we “don’t want to be a burden” or we’re unsure how
much you are really willing to do for us. Suggesting a specific thing that you are
willing to do is far more helpful. You
might consider the following:
- Can I walk your dog? Can I check on your cat?
- Can I take the kids to practice/school/the movies?
- Can I rake your leaves/shovel your driveway/do some spring clean-up?
- Can I take out your garbage?
- Can I run any errands for you? Can I pick up a prescription?
If you are inclined to give something instead, these are a
few of the most useful ideas for a family who is dealing with cancer:
1. Food. Everyone has to eat. When someone is recovering from surgery or
going through treatment, energy is low for everyone, not just the patient. If you like to cook, bring your food in
disposable dishes so the family doesn’t have to worry about returning anything
to you. A co-worker actually borrowed
my crock pot ahead of time so she could fill it with homemade soup to deliver on
the day we came home from the hospital. Remember the little extras like a bottle of
salad dressing or whipped cream to go on dessert. If you don’t like to cook, take-out or
restaurant gift cards are perfect too.
2. Services. When you’re focused on a patient getting
well, there are so many household tasks that can fall through the cracks. Consider hiring a lawn service to take care
of mowing the grass or leaf clean up.
Contract with a maid service to come in and clean the house, even if it’s
just the bathrooms. Keeping a household
running when you’re down a team member can be really difficult.
3. Gifts. Everyone loves it when the UPS truck pulls up
to your house, but someone living through a cancer diagnosis loves it even
more! Receiving a gift, no matter how
small, will bring a smile to someone’s face – guaranteed. Some thoughtful ideas include Edible
Arrangements (healthy and yummy!), a journal to record things to be grateful
for (a thankful heart speeds healing!), relaxation products (lotions, teas,
bubble bath to help combat stress), a healthy eating cookbook (post-cancer
dietary changes may be overwhelming), magazines/books/movies (recovery can be
extremely boring!).
4. Money. This may seem rather crass, but costs add up
quickly when you’re dealing with illness.
An extended hospital stay might mean the family has to pay for a hotel,
parking, and meals. If the medical
facility is out of town, a gas card would be much appreciated. When you’re away from home, things always cost
more than you expect.
5. Don’t forget the
caregiver. When my husband was first
diagnosed, a friend said, “You need to take care of yourself. The doctors are going to take care of him,
but no one is going to take care of you.”
The best ideas for the caregiver involve relaxation and “me time.” Consider a yoga class or a massage. If you’re local, offer to take him/her out
for the evening or the afternoon. Having
been both a caregiver and a patient, I can tell you being the caregiver is
much, much harder. It is physically and
emotionally demanding, and you often feel isolated and overwhelmed.
There is really no wrong way to support someone who is going
through this. Any gesture, big or small,
reminds the family that someone cares.
Think about the things you would need or want if you were in this
situation – those are probably the same things your friend, co-worker, or
family member needs and wants too.
